The Istari: The order (and disorder) of Wizards
by Tatharwen315
Summary: Five of the Maiar were chosen to journey to Middle Earth (but most of them didn't want to go)... But they never realized that the BOAT RIDE on the way there would be the most difficult part. As they go through Sea-sickness, raging storms, possibility of Cannibalism, and mental breakdowns, will any of them still have their sanity left when they finally reach Middle Earth?
1. Misery in the Ring of Doom

Well... This is my second fanfiction. I still haven't completed my first fanfic, "The only Orc with a happy ending", but I plan on

completing that within one year, since I'm busy in High school and that I still have a boat-load of ideas for that story...

Anyways, I've been planning THIS story for a long time now. It's a more comical version of why and how that Wizards were sent to Middle

Earth (In this chapter anyway), but be warned for... Randomness...

~0~0~0~

1,000 years into the Third age...

*Valinor in the Ring of Doom*

"Now I bet you're all wondering why I brought you here today..." Manwe began, but he was rudely interupted by a snoring Tulkas. Every-

one else seemed to have a glazed expression of boredome on their faces, except for Mandos who seemed utterly somber (which is expected

of a Vala who has to spend every day with dead people). "TULKAS YOU FOOL! WAKE UP!" Manwe screetched. Tulkas nearly rolled out

of his chair, only slightly startled, and yawned loud enough to shake the entire ring. "Eh, what?"

Ignoring Tulkas (who was attempting to fall back asleep), Manwe continued. "Now the reason why I summoned all of you here today is that

we have some... 'slight' problems in Middle Earth that needs to be discussed..." he said, choosing his words carefuly.

"What you you mean by 'slight'?" Orome growled. He was the only Valar that seemed to appear interested.

"Well..." Manwe hesitated, afraid of Orome's lack of anger managment skills, "rumors have begun to spread of a darkness that is seeping

into Greenwood the great from the south. With the darkness, evil creatures have appeared, and the kingdoms around Greenwood are starting

to call the place 'Mirkwood', for anyone who walks near that place walks in fear of who-knows-what! We all know that Sauron has not been

wholly defeated, but we do not know of his wherabouts. My theory is that he has gone into Greenwood the great and is trying to rebuild

himself again, so he could recover his ruling ring and rule over Middle Earth!"

"Or maybe the reason why Greenwood appears to be getting dark is because their has been an increase in shrubbery." Lorien replied with a

strait face. The next moment there was a giant gust of wind, almost like a tornado aimed at Lorien, which blew the Vala off his seat and

caused him to roll away like a tumbleweed out the door.

"Lucky. He gets to leave the meeting early." Ulmo muttered with envy.

"Manwe," Orome sighed, "If it really is Sauron, then why should he be of any concern to us? He's just a Maia!"

"I heared that." someone growled from the other side of the room. Everyone turned and saw Curumo, the Maia, who was slumped in his seat

with his arms crossed across his chest, with an angry look on his face.

"I mean..." Orome stammered, trying to refraze his sentence, "Sauron is just a Maia that has become too obsessed with darker powers for

anyone to care."

"That doesn't make any sense at all," Yavanna spoke up. "Why should we NOT care if someone with dark powers has the intention of taking

over Middle Earth, a land that we worked so hard on creating by the will of Eru?"

"The vegan does have a point." Tulkas said, now wide awake.

"I'm not a vegan!" Yavanna shot back. "Plants have souls too!"

*Silence*

"... Moving on..." Manwe cleared his throat and began, "Yavanna is right, at least on the first thing she said. The fate of Middle Earth

should be our main concern."

"So what do you suppose that we do then?" Aule asked. "We can't just go marching into Middle Earth and chain up Sauron and throw him into

the timeless void like we did with your brother... I mean Melkor."

Manwe bit his lip at the mention of his lost brother, but he still continued, "You're apsolutely right on that Aule. We'll have to sent someone

else to look into this problem."

"I know what we could do!" Lorien said, crawling back through the door.

"Another foolish response from you and I'll use my winds to blow you off a cliff!" Manwe hissed between gritted teeth.

Lorien shook his head. "I promise to be serious this time. I suggest that we choose a few of the Maiar to go to Middle Earth instead."

Manwe stood in thought and finally nodded his head. "Thats actually a good idea."

There was a feminine shriek heared around the ring as Eonwe the Maia sprinted towards the door. "YOU CAN'T MAKE ME GO BACK!" he screamed over

his shoulder before he left.

Everyone else sighed with dissapointment. "Eonwe would have been my first pick," Manwe said. "He did such excellent work during his time in

Middle Earth, although he has been acting differently ever since he got back." The rest of the Maiar in the room squirmed in their seats uneasily

but said nothing.

Varda, who had been sitting in silence next to her spouse Manwe the entire time, finally spoke up. "Manwe..." she said in a low voice, "don't you

think that it would be a better idea to sent three of the Maiar? What could one do against Sauron PLUS that army of Orcs that he may still have?"

Manwe thought about this and nodded. "Varda and I have just agreed," he announced in a loud voice, "to allow three Maiars to journey to Middle Earth.

Who is willing to have their slaves... I mean, servants be sent to Middle Earth?"

The rest of the Valar were silent, until Aule raised his hand. "I think I have someone who may be willing..."

"NO." his servant Curumo said.

"Curumo," Aule whispered to him, "If you do this then I'll allow you to no longer do any work if you ever come back!"

"Deal!" he said as he shot out of his seat and marched towards Manwe.

"Sucker," Aule whispered to his spouse Yavanna with a chuckle. "I've been meaning to fire him."

"Alright, one down, two more to go! Who's next?" Manwe shouted.

To everyones surprize Orome raised his hand. "My servant Alatar just told me that he wishes to go." A Maiar stood up from his seat next to Orome,

who was dressed in sea-blue robes, and casualy strode up and stood before Manwe next to Curumo.

"Great!" Manwe exclaimed. "Now we just need one more person... But there's a particular Maia that I want on this journey... Nienna," he said,

turning to the Vala of grief and mercy, "Where is Olorin?"

Nienna shrugged. "He said that he would be coming to this meeting late, since he's just returning from a long journey. But he should be here any

minute now..."

Right after she said this, the door opened and Olorin walked in with his grey hood still on.

"Olorin! We were just talking about you." Manwe said. "We wanted to ask you if you would be willing to venture into Middle Earth to possibly stop

the evil of Sauron!"

"... What?" Olorin's jaw dropped.

"Oh right, you don't know what's going on. You see..." Manwe began, and for the next fifteen minutes he explained to Olorin everything that happened

during the meeting, and their agreement to send three of the Maiar to Middle Earth.

After he finished, Olorin stood silent for a while in thought. Finally he said, "I don't know. I'm not the strongest of the Maiar, and I also

fear Sauron."

Manwe looked at him gravely and said, "but you are the wisest of the Maiar. And besides, your fear of Sauron is all the more reason to go. Therefore,

I command you to go as the third messenger."

Olorin bowed low before Manwe but said nothing.

"Alright, we have our three messengers! Now lets-"

"Wait!" Yavanna interrupted. "I would like for one of my Servants to come too!"

"Who?" Manwe asked.

Yavanna nudged someone sitting next to her, and a very frightened Maia stood up and stepped forward.

"Aiwendil?" Manwe gasped. Aiwendil was the last Maia that he would expect to come to Middle Earth, but he decided not to ask.

"Ok... Now that makes four. Now lets-"

"Wait!"

"Oh for Eru's sake, what is it Alatar?!"

"If I may..." Alatar stammered, "Can my friend Pallando come with me?"

Manwe rolled his eyes but nodded. "Fiiiiiiiiiiine," he sighed.

Pallando, who was also Orome's servant, eagerly stepped forward and stood next to his friend. Over all, five Maias stood before Manwe, not fully

understanding what dangers would lie before them on their journey.

Manwe looked at each of them carefully and said, "Now remember, you have not been sent to Middle Earth to cause war, but to give aid to the free

peoples of Middle Earth when war comes. All of you are forbidden to dominate the peoples of Middle Earth, or to match Sauron's power with power.

If you are to do what is forbidden, then you will be stripped from this order and be banished from Valinor forever."

Manwe stood from his seat, and in a loud voice he cried out "These five shall be known as the Istari!"

After the meeting...  
It was agreed that the Istari was to set out to Middle Earth the next day, so most of the Valar ran off in opposite directions to spread the news,

while Ulmo was set to the task of preparing a ship that would bear them across the sea.  
Manwe was at the door of the ring of doom and was just about to leave, when he noticed someone that was still sitting in their seat.

"Mandos! Go home!" Manwe shouted.

Mandos grabbed his hood and pulled it over his eyes. "What home? Misery is my home." But he still stood up and stormed out the door, back to

the Houses of the Dead.

~0~0~0~

so... how did the first chapter for my second fanfic go?

~Tatharwen


	2. Manwe's powerful Duct tape

~0~0~0~

The next day...

"PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME GO YAVANNA!" Aiwendil sobbed as he groveled before the Vala of vegetation.

Yavanna frowned. They were now at the harbor, where the ship, the one that would bear the Istari to Middle Earth, was bobbing in the waves.

Yavanna had chosen here cowardly servant to go so he would be off her hands for a while, but it was now that she realized that it wasn't

going to be that easy...

"But Aiwendil", she said in a cheerful tone with much difficulty, "It will be... fun."

"Fun?" Aiwendil sniffed.

"Uhhh... Yes!" she said, "You'll get to travel across Middle Earth and meet many people... And some other stuff that I can't think of right

now!"

Before the Maia could asked what on earth she was talking about, a few of the Valar and the Istari showed up, with Manwe at the lead.

"Is everyone here? Ok then, lets get the victims... I mean, Istari on the move. They should get out of here as soon as possible!" said Manwe.

Aiwendil fell to the ground wailing, and clung on to the bottom of Yavanna's robes like a three year old man-child. Yavanna sighed and

kicked him away, and before Aiwendil could reject Manwe grabbed him by the ankles and dragged him onto a small boat, where all the rest of

the Istari sat grumbling.

"How long do you think this journey is going to last?" Alatar asked Pallando. "Which journey?" Pallando asked, "The journey to the sea-border

between Valinor and Middle Earth, or the whole boat ride in general?"

"The what-border?" Curumo interrupted. Pallando rolled his eyes. "You know, the part of the ride when the whole ship floats away from the seas

of Valinor to the oceans of Middle Earth where we instantly receive our 'Istari powers'?"

"Istari powers?" the rest of the Maias said in unison, including Aiwendil who had duct tape over his mouth (courtesy of Manwe).

"Now now Pallando!" Manwe said over his shoulder as he started rowing the boat towards the ship, "Don't give away the surprise!"

"But that's all I know about- hmmmrphrrr!" Manwe had reached over and duct-taped Pallando's mouth. "Very good! I'm starting to run out of duct

tape, so if the rest of you could remain quiet until we reach the ship, ' . . ?"

Five minutes later...

"Now that we're here," Manwe said after they got on the ship, "I guess all I can say to you is good luck! It's possible that you could face many

dangers on the way to Middle Earth so be-"

"Hrrbrrrwwrrrtrrrrbrrrgg?" Pallando asked.

"Oh I forgot!" Manwe said. He reached over and yanked the duct tape off Pallando's mouth, causing him to scream in pain for the duct tape peeled off

a bit of his skin. "I said..." Pallando managed to say with bloody lips "Who's going to be in charge?"

"In charge?... Well..." Manwe said with uncertanty, "You can decide that amongst yourselves. Now goodbye!"

And with that, Manwe jumped onto the little boat that was tied to the side of the ship, and rowed back to shore as fast as he could.

For a while the Istari stood in silence, until Aiwendil spoke up.

"Hrrbrrbrbrbrgrrtrghshrrp?" Manwe had forgotten to peel the duct tape off Aiwendil's mouth.

After Alatar yanked the duct tape off, followed by a few feminine shrieks of pain, Aiwendil spoke again.

"Does anyone know how to operate the ship?"

"Shiiii..." Curumo said, and the rest of that word echoed through the beach.

Their five months, four days, thirty minutes, forty two seconds of misery, torture, and unmentionable horrors had begun.

~0~0~0~


	3. Wizards be twerk'n

**~0~0~0~**

**Day one:**

Thankfully, Alatar and Pallando knew very well how to operate the ship. So by nightfall, the land of Valinor had disapeared from view, leaving them completely surrounded by the sea. The Istari didn't have much to do on the first night on their journey, so they decided to do something that would ultimately start a war in the next months of their journey: they attempted to pull an all-nighter.

After the sun had gone down, the Istari sat cross-legged in a circle in silence. It had only been a few hours since their journey had begun, so the realization that they would probably never come back to Valinor for a thousand years had not hit them yet.

"So…" Olorin began awkwardly, "What should we do until the sun goes up?"

Alatar sat up straight as if the answer popped into his mind. "Aiwendil…" he said, grinning menacingly, "truth or dare?"

The other Istari gasped. The game of truth or dare was known to be an evil game, not to mention extremely dangerous. The last time the Valar had played that game, Nessa had dared Tulkas to slap Varda's butt in public… And the aftermath wasn't pretty.

Aiwendil thought hesitantly for a few seconds before he squeaked "truth?"

Alatar laughed evilly. "How many times have you kissed your pillow while imagining that your pillow was Yavanna?"

Aiwendil's eyes widened in fear, but he lowered his head and answered in a quiet voice "every Tuesday."

Everyone else rolled on the floor, crying with laughter. Aiwendil's face flushed red with embarrassment, but he squared his shoulders and glared at them. "Now it's my turn! I choose…." He studied each of them before his eyes rested on Curumo. "Curumo! Truth or dare?"

Curumo grinned and said "Dare!" in the boldest way possible.

Aiwendil scratched his chin and tried to think. "I dare you to… twerk in front of Alatar for five minutes!"

Curumo's and Alatar's faces froze in horror at the same time. But Curumo was determined not to lose, so he slowly got up and began to make his way towards Alatar.

"Drop it low, drop it low, drop it low boooy…" Pallando began to sing. Everyone else held their breath for what happened next.

_**Five minutes later…**_

"Ok, times up!" Aiwendil said. Aiwendil grinned with satisfaction at his revenge as Curumo sat back down as far away from Alatar as possible. Everyone else was crying with laughter.

Curumo was angry. So without much thought, he turned straight towards Olorin. '_He's the one that started this', _he thought.

"Olorin, truth or dare?" he snarled.

"Truth." Olorin said with confidence. '_Besides,' _he thought to himself, '_I have nothing to hide.'_

Curumo smirked and said, "If you were gay, which one of us would you want to marry?"

Olorin didn't seem daunted. "Aiwendil."

Aiwendil blushed. "Uh…. Thank you," he coughed.

Olorin turned towards the only person left who didn't get a turn: Pallando.

"Pallando, truth or dare?" Olorin asked.

Pallando shrugged. "Truth?"

Olorin chuckled, then asked "Has anyone ever seen you naked? If so, who?

Pallando's face twitched. "It was when I was bathing in the river during one of my journeys…" he began, "I had just gotten out when…." As he said this, the Maia's eyes seemed to water, "Mandos walked by and saw me before I could grab my towel."

There was silence. But five seconds later, there was a sudden roar as everyone else fell on the floor, crying with laughter.

"I-i-i-it's not funny!" Pallando stuttered, but no one could even hear them.

"I THINK I'M GOING TO GET A HERNIA!" Alatar bawled from the floor.

_**Twenty minutes later…**_

"My sides… They burn…" Aiwendil moaned as he lied on his back. Everyone else were already out of breath (feeling that they had almost laughed to their deaths), but Pallando, after five minutes, had left them and was on the deck of the ship.

The other four Maias got up and joined him. For a while they just leaned over the sides and stared at the water in boredom. "So Pallando," Aiwendil said, "What can you tell us about these 'Istari powers' that Manwe made you shut up about?"

Pallando slumped his shoulders and sighed. "They're not exactly powers, Aiwendil. It's more like… A spell that will disguise us, make us appear harmless."

"How?" Everyone else asked in unison. Pallando shrugged. "I have no idea how. But…" he lowered his voice a little as he went on, "There's another thing. We could be disguised as men, which means that we could feel what they do… Fear, greed, jealousy, and even desires for power."

"THEY'RE GOING TO TURN US INTO WEAK MORTAL MEN!?" Aiwendil wailed. No one else seemed too fond of that idea either. "That doesn't make any sense. Who told you that anyway? Curumo demanded. Pallando smirked. "Actually, I overheard everything that I just said from a conversation between Manwe and Varda."

"So…. You were eavesdropping." Alatar said. Pallando nodded.

"We're doomed," Curumo muttered. Everyone else nodded in agreement as the sun went up, marking their first full day on the ship.

**~0~0~0~**

**Ok…. I do admit that I googled good truth or dare ideas, but the twerk-dare idea came from my cousin… I hope that I wasn't going too far on that, but it's too dang funny. **

**Wait until you see what I'm going to do to Aiwendil… (Laughs evilly)**

_**~Tatharwen**_


End file.
